The D-Blog

Almost There

2008-04-12T06:18:00.000-07:00

Posting has been so far removed from my To-Do list, I haven't even bothered posting anything for the few people who still have this site in their address bar.

All I have to say today, is that there is...

Vanity: It's Definitely My Favorite Sin!

2008-03-19T11:27:00.000-07:00

Do you often sit in bed at night and wonder what the score is in the ever-lasting battle pairing Good vs. Evil?

I’ve decided to add people to a list. A list I am starting now. This list is like the Devil’s version of Mission: Impossible’s NOC list – people appearing on it have definitively proven their allegiance to evil and offer humanity no redeeming qualities.

Cappo #1: Sam Lufti

This guy ruins lives quicker than I used to run to a room after a pizza was ordered (and paid for). His pro’s (none) and con’s (pretty much everything about him) are very easily to google. I will leave that to you, although I bet you know enough about him already to have an opinion. He would be the right hand of Satan.

Hired Gun: Lou Perlman

These guys reminds me of a catholic priest, but instead of defiling acolytes, choir boys, and alter boys, he had young, hot, singing boys. He did introduce the world to J.T., so there is some room for joy, but he still makes the baby Jesus cry.

Incarnate: Joe Francis

Joe Francis is responsible for the GGW series. Some of you may think this was a good thing. It is not. Sure it opened girls up to the idea of performing on camera like never before and combined with advancing Internet technology, really helped the amateur porn industry thrive. Something tells me, that would have developed just the same without his "contribution". In my opinion, he’s nothing more than a guy kicked out of a fraternity for raping a girl because he thought “that’s what you do in a frat”. Then he makes a career out of trying to show those guys that wouldn’t accept him why they were wrong. Verdict: They weren’t. He’s a Grade A, Douche-bag rapist.

Mike Meyers vs. My Pride

2008-03-18T14:51:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the trailer for the new Mike Meyers vehicle? Did it look familiar?Maybe you've seen it before, but you aren't sure. Oh that's right. You've seen it in everything he's ever been in. This new movie is regurgitating impressions he's been doing for twenty years. No fresh material.

I remember about seven or eight years ago, I was watching an old SNL and saw him do a character he'd used somewhere after Austin Powers and remember feeling like my childhood sports idols had been cheating all along. (Hint: Mark McGuire, Dave Justice and Wally Joiner were in their prime in part of my childhood). He was always, in my mind at least, a very witty person. I like the way he'd always had an accent to throw in normal conversation. I liked the way he would walk funny to show his athletic ability. I liked the way he'd use his pinky and talk like a dictator. Well, those are the three gimmicks he has. He has no other game. He's hasn't been fresh since he left Canadia. The only demographic that doesn't think he's a hack are kids that haven't been born yet. Or the old people fascinated by the commercials for the digital TV switch in Feb 2009.

Anyway, back to my story about pulling the curtain back on the Wizard of Meyers.

I felt so betrayed.

Once I came to the realization he only had a couple gimmicks that he tried to pull off as "new" every time he came on screen, I started a personal boycott. I was mad. Mike Meyers was misleading. He wanted to have me believe he thought of me while he was away & brought me a present back from the airport, but in reality he picked something up from the Walgreen's around the corner from his girlfriend's apartment. The same a.m. radio he'd already given me three times before.

I came to terms with our relationship and started to take it for what it is. It's sort of like a digital picture frame with only room for 1MB of memory. But, I also told myself I would protect myself from being abused in this way in future relationships. It's not gonna happen again, but something eerily similar is happening.

I wasn't disappointed when I saw Semi-Pro, I was...I dunno. Sad.

There was plenty of fanfare. Penty of TV time, ad spots, Superbowl commercials, viral marketing on-line. Semi-Pro was everywhere. This worried me. I knew that they were promoting the hell out of it because it wasn't, let's say..."Oscar-worthy". The producers knew they needed to get every ass in the theater they could to make money on this one. It wasn't the same as the adverts for Talledega Nights because NASCAR fans need to be force fed anything* and they'll take what you give them.

*I'm not making apologies to any NASCAR fans that might be reading this page. You know what your brethren are like. Besides, you have obviously upped the ante by learning to read.*

I need to come to terms that nothing will ever make me laugh the way Anchorman and Old School do. Nothing. Not "Lazy Sunday", not "Effing Matt Damon", not "D*** in a box". Okay, maybe "D*** in a box", nothing else.

I understand Will Ferrell trying to bank as much as he can while his iron is lava hot. I do. I wish he'd do something, I don't know, maybe something that isn't sports related.

Where do I stand now? If Will and M.Meyers got into a fist fight, Ferrell would throw him off the shed, drown him in Simon's bubbles, then fuck his monkey with Neil Diamond's dick.
Will Ferrell isn't trying to sugar coat anything. He's got one or two characters he is comfortable portraying in his comedies. As long as we go see it, buy it on DVD, and watch it on Apple TV, he'll keep making them. I am a bit surprised people had much expectation for this one.

Can't wait for Step-Brothers this summer.

Really, A New Post?

2008-03-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been held hostage by tax season and my class at Stetson. I haven't had much to say, and what has been spoken wasn't much of value.

I'd like to offer a heartfelt congratulations to Steve and Kim Laval on their nuptials Sunday. Hope you enjoy Hawaii.

Quote of the night was from Chris Latham's story of his proposal, (he proposed to his g/f Friday night): "Congratulations. That is the correct answer. You win a prize."

It was nice to see several people I hadn't seen since USF beat Auburn and a couple others that I hadn't seen since the Clinton administration. Another high point: I was introduced to the phrase "FUPA". The DJ had one that made Charlie Weiss appear as if he'd accomplished a full-blown Jared diet. FUPA, of course, stands for Fat Upper Private (there is a p word that works for males and females) Area.

Free Links!

2008-03-08T12:18:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone, or both of you...whatever...

I'd like to link to your blogs here. If you'd like to be included in the soon-to-be featured "Brian's Blog Buddies" (or better title yet to be named), send me an email stating it's ok for me to include your link. Throw in the link, in case I don't already know of your blog.

We might also have a naming contest, too.

Happy Saturday!

Terminators: Are they a serious threat?

2008-03-08T07:16:00.000-08:00

Could SkyNet theoretically take over the world and launch a thermo-nuclear war against humans?

No.

Why not?

Wikipedia.

Here's my theory: SkyNet is launched from an advanced computer brain that becomes Johnny-5 Alive and decides to strike & Nazify the world by slaughtering all men, women, and children. They connect to other machines and computers through the world wide web. In the story, these machines basically become omnipotent since they can find out any information they need from each other and from information available on the web. The problem here is there is too much crap on the web.

Have you ever tried to find the name of a restaurant where you know about where it is, but are too lazy to do the research needed to accurately find the details of the location of said restaurant? So you base the search on streets, name of the shopping center, other simple stuff. When you search, you end up with a bunch of mapquest links, several phone numbers of places nearby, local reviews, and undoubtedly not too far down - some links to porn. Nothing there will give you the answer you are looking for.

The "machines" that take over our world aren't going to kill us all, they're gonna make us take them to dinner then have their way with us.

OR, like a T-888 comes back to kill some member of John Connor's army, but he got all his information from Wikipedia, MYspace, and message boards.

T-888: Are you Sean Winningham?

Sean: No, I am Sean Dellingham.

T-888: ...(AI searching database...analyzes the face of Sean Dellingham...subject appears in red...*likes to know "what you are wearing", *aka "sexmastergollum1983" on message boards, *known douche bag)...

(T-888 draws weapon, kills the Douche)

More importantly, I don't know why supercomputers would want to destroy all human-kind. Sure, the humans hate you, but maybe that's because you came to life and tried to kill them all for sport. I'm guessing we'll never stop trying to destroy your complex evil, twisted, superior AI network, but guess what? You launched a global effort to make Hitler look like a Tandy 2000 in minutes, no less. The idea that an AI system so intelligent could plot, terrorize, and basically shut the world down but yet not have the foresight to see any use for human slaves doesn't sit right with me. I'm not a fan of slavery. I'm not saying that. Really. They'd have to have some plan for the future. How could that NOT revolve around a Matrix kind of plot, farming humans for their energy and/or production value. We may produce tons of waste, but there is more value in squeezing us as slaves than destroying us all.

Imagine though, the machines win. All of their objectives are based on killing people. What happens when they accompish their mission? They have completely rid the world of any human existance. They go into "Standby"mode. The end? Can't be. There is less satisfaction than winning a game of Freecell. They need us as much as we need them. We give them purpose. They give us Halo and Call of Duty 4.

Steroids In Sports

2008-03-06T13:20:00.000-08:00

Fact: Baseball is being scrutinized for letting (encouraging???) its players use HGH and other PED's. Football embraces them.

There are 90 names on the Mitchell Report. Everyone (except Roger) says they "took it once, a few years ago when they were injured to help recover quicker". Um, okay... So where was the big news about all those HGH production companies going out of business? The only stories I've heard about these operations at all were the one or two coming out of Orlando that were shut down when all the employees were carted off to jail. There is absolutely.no.way. that all those drugs went to just 90 people 1 or 2 times.

How many times have you tried something that would help you at your job once or twice, realize it works, know that there are no regulations (at the time you tried this) or hurtful ramifications, basically no way of getting caught and no punishment if you do...and only did it once or twice? Basically, if you have a job, someone has a product that makes your job easier/better/faster/quicker and there are no repercussions from doing it, you use this product repeatedly. No question. I just want someone to come out and be like "Yeah, I used to shoot up in the bus on the way to the park. My old lady don't let me shoot up 'round the house, so I get my junk from downtown and got'sta ride the bus into the stadium. "

Athletes, like most D-Blogger's, have decided they are above the law and will act accordingly.

Why do we not care more if one of them is hopped up on drugs or steroids when we watch them? In my group of friends, even though most of them have strong, to unhealthy appetites for a particular season or a series of sporting events. I haven't really seen or heard anyone opine on the subject. I can verify with all certainty that they all have opined in the past. Sometimes we agree (Bobby Bowdin's douchability) or disagree (Who has a crappier QB situation: KC, Tampa Bay, or Chicago? Still undecided) but either way, we will talk about it. Why doesn't something that plagues the center of professional sports have such an apethetic reaction from fans. This is getting less talk time that if a presidential debate was being held at a community college campus, in a community college classroom, with the fourteen of thirty-five students attending class that day providing the questions. You know three of them are going to be "Is this going to be on the test?".

Don't we watch our sports figures to show us something superhuman that we can't do ourselves? Don't we just want these people to dance for us? Wouldn't you want to see them do that in the most human condition possible? I have given my opinion time to grow, and it has finally matured enough where I can definitively state that I do not think any steroids or PED's should be allowed in any sport.

More importantly, why do we let some of these morally reprehensible people have second chances? I'd like to live in a world where second chances for athletes are are myth. Being physically gifted and having a sport that's designed to highlight some of those physical traits while providing an overly excessive salary isn't a right. It is a privilege. It should be taken away at the first sign of trouble. And yes, this is an area where I would like to see the owner's embrace collusion. Kick out all the scumbags. So what if Oakland loses their NFL team?

Excess Ramblings

2008-03-03T13:00:00.001-08:00

I was posting a response on a friend's blog when I realized I can't say all this in a comment. I needed my own post.

Their blog was talking about Scientology and how awesome it is. Well, by "awesome" I/we/he/she means "Fucking Crazy".

Cut and paste begins...now:

People have always gone crazy for Sci-Fi writers. Remember that religious craze back in the 1860's, JulesVernology? People were led to believe there were leagues in the sea. Can you believe that? Leagues. In the sea's. Ca-Razy.

Then there are the legions of geeks that think Piccard and Kirk are more able leaders than anyone who has run for President in the last 20 years. Gene Roddenberry has a super base of freaks for the next fad religion.

Allah promised 20 virgins for suicide attacks and whatnot. I'd hate to carry out something for Allah and find that he just gave me 20 Star Trek fans.

How Scientology got off the ground will always amaze me. That and gravity amazes me, too. One centrifical Force. Wait, I know another religion that dealt with a "Force". How did that one turn out? Overbudget and drawn out.

Quick Top Ten

2008-02-29T06:37:00.001-08:00

Friday's suck. Most days suck because we chose to be born into a group of cells that aren't named "Kennedy" or "Rockefeller". Unlike the members of those families, the rest of us generally have to work Monday thorough, at least Friday. Here's a quick list of movies I'd rather be watching right now, than be here...at work.

Office Space: Why does it say paper jam, when there is no paper jam?!?!
Old School: There is no better time to watch Old School than, well, anytime.
Orgazmo: I have a fresh appetite for Trey and Matt. This was such an unknown masterpiece. It deserved better than a two week run on Starz in 2000.
Arrested Development: TV shows qualify for this list. Quite frankly, one of the most well-written shows ever produced.
Snaked On a Plane: Embarrassingly, I am curious to see this one. Why didn't anyone make the connection that Sammy Jackson went from Black Snake Moan to Snakes on a Plane? What's next? Snakes '08; Yes We Can?
Boogie Nights: It's been a while
3:10 To Yuma: I've heard good things
1408: See #7
The Usual Suspects: Give ME the keys you fucking cocksuckermotherfucker
Friday: Craig, how you goin' get fired, on yo day off?

Tribute Thursday

2008-02-28T08:24:00.000-08:00

Today’s New Feature: Tribute Thursday! When polled*, many of you said that the first person honored for the weekly inspirational post should be my mother. She would have been a valid honoree; as would Mr. Rogers, Lorne Michaels, or Estelle Getty. They’ve all contributed in some form to my development from youth to Super-Adult. Perhaps one or many of them will one day make an appearance here. There is one person who is responsible for more than that. He was able to teach me the virtues of comedic timing and right-wing political values before I turned 12. Today’s honoree: Alex P. Keaton. *Ed note: No one was polled.

The late eighties/early nineties were a crazy time. Most teenagers were dropping acid and jumping out of their 2nd floor classrooms or were terrible at Russian roulette . Kids had no decent role models. Alex P. Keaton provided decency, even in the face of his granola parents, his easy sister, his lesbo sister, and their retarded neighbor. They found ways to get in and out of trouble every single week. He found a way to take a hot playboy model, dress her up fancy and nerdy hiding her hotness before this was the Hollywood norm and make her your lovable, but not scene-stealing, girlfriend. Alex provided a formula for success and this was an easy concept to grasp:

Be likeable

Call your Dad a hippie

Learn what S.C.U.B.A. stands for (Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus)

Love Ronald Reagan

Get into a sticky situation every Thursday at about 8:08 pm EST. This problem must have a shelf life of no longer than 19 minutes. Got to have time to feel good for a couple minutes at the end.

Be accountable for your actions

Apologize to and for your hippy freak dad

Riches will come

There is zero chance this show would have survived in the culture we live in now. The sweeps week episodes would concentrate on Skippy’s whore cousin visiting and giving everyone from Andy to Malory a nice collection of new and old STD’s. She’d of course be played by Paris Hilton. Alex would drive a Lexus. Skippy would wear…it doesn’t really matter what Skippy wore. He wasn’t much of a looker. Well, that and no one would be watching. Why, you ask? Because nobody gives a shit about values, ethics, morals, or right and wrong anymore. It’s only a bottom line society. People make exceptions to all the rules. I’m just as guilty as the next person. NCAA athletes are neither amateurs nor collegians. Pro-football players, something that should be seen as a disposable expense to the common man, are paid more than entire countywide school budgets. Who am I going to rely on to educate my children? It certainly won’t be anyone Volusia County and preferably no one involved with Florida Public Schools*. It starts with the individual. I bet you didn’t think I could get from Mike Fox to STD’s to my kids, did you?

*Ed note: The “My Wife” exception obviously applies. She exceeds the minimum standards of the state.

What's the worst thing you've ever done?

2008-02-20T12:43:00.000-08:00

Sounds like a great couple-three top ten lists to me, but for our purposes today, we are going to concentrate on the "time-value of money" category.

During a short period of self-reflection, I today, realized the worst investment of any increment of money, ever imaginable. I'd like to convey what a serious and deep statement I am making. The person making this statement has commited the following sins against personal finance:

A) Spent my last $14 buying a Don Mattingly poster on a trip to Yankee Stadium in 1987. This was my first trip to NYC. I was eight. I remember two seperate times not being bored on this tourist trip with my Mom and Doug. First, Doug took me to an Irish bar during daylight hours. Too many beautiful concepts at work to discuss further. The other was after my first game visitng "The House That Ruth Built". This happened the night before I flew home by myself. FYI, the Yanks were not the complete Evil Empire they and the Red Sox are today. This poster was the greatest way I could have spent $14 I'd ever thought possible. I was gonna go home and show all my friends I have a Don Mattingly souvineer from Yankee Stadium. I left my poster on the plane.

B) Refused to consistantly check the oil on my Blazer. This car was a friend's and he practically gave it to me after he graduated college. The only problem with the car was a small oil leak. I needed to check the oil once a month and put more in. This was a task way too complicated for me. I left the car on I-4.

C) I bet real money on the Washington Generals. "They were due to win one!"

Also keep in mind the endless amount of cash I flushed down the port-o-potty in college - all the withdrawals, failed classes and the ones I just stopped going to. All of these are better ways to throw away money than in 1989, I spent $3.75 to see John Travolta and Kirsty Alley in Look Who's Talking. I don't know who I am more angry with; Myself for being this stupid or John Travolta for shitting on my money. Let's just say Mr. Wonderful received a 5% cut of my $3.75 - That would be worth about a dollar now. You have any idea what I could do with a dollar now? I could buy a song on iTunes. Or about 5 songs from this Russian website.

You could say I spent about $16 in today's money, with the time value of money theory involved. For the record, there is no time value of money equation in the Don Mattingly poster because that was pricess to me at the time. There was no dollar value on the loss of the car, because I got the next one I ruined for practically nothing as well (they were both shitty cars. Free, but Shitty). And, I didn't really bet on the Washington Generals, but Krusty the Clown did and we know how that turned out.

Myself and the other four hundred, sixty-three people that paid acutal cash money to see Look Who's Talking ... okay, and Look Who's Talking Too - Hey! We had to see how it turned out, have now commited the ultimate sin. We've helped create the Scientology monster. We've helped perpetuate a group of people that give more creedence to a group of rogue aliens starting life on Earth than to a Supreme Being. This is a group of people that has reset the bar for crazy. They are the most out-there group. No one can top them. Not Britney. Not the guy who sells flowers in a straight bar with no chicks. Not the guy who rides his bike all over town and belts out the National Anthem to start Little League games. No one. You're move, Christian Coalition.

I challenge you America (at least the seven of you that know about the blog): What was the WORST personal finance crime you've committed ? Discuss.

This Just In!!!

2008-02-18T09:00:00.001-08:00

Vice-President Elect Mike Huckabee has announced he will run for President in 2016! http://www.cnn.com/newstory/theelectionhasnthappenedyet/seriously-stoptalking.com

Am I overstating the effect of talking heads and newsmedia in making predictions for primary elections? Maybe, but no. I predict tomorrow, as soon as the Wisconsin and Hawaii precincts open, Fox News will be ready to make their call on the election. A full 12 hours before the precincts close. Listen, there has to be the counting of the votes before we have a winner. That is why we play the game. Otherwise, we could all have won New Hampshire last month - before the voters rushed out at the 6:00 clock hour to vote for Hillary. I guess they all had to wait for the loading dock to close for the evening .

Or it was rigged. I'm just saying.

An Yong (Hello)

2008-02-16T10:26:00.000-08:00

Every minute, a new blogger is born. Just think, one in fifty-three of them have some talent. Here's to hoping I'm not #52.

Oh, look. There's the little girl from the down the street. Hi there Mary. How are you?

"Hey, Mister...what's a Blogger?"

Bloggers are the new breed of columnist. Only Bloggers do not need to be employed by a newspaper, magaizine, or annual publication. They don't need a fan base, a readership, or even an audience, really. They are faceless opinions. Their voice is too important to keep inside anymore and anonymous chat rooms can only provide so much sense of accomplishment. Bloggers mainly are pretentious a-holes who want their voices heard over The Internet. Instead of a pesky little kid standing on a crate at a street corner wearing a cap saying things like "Extra! Extra!" trying to sell our newspaper, we send an email to eveyone we know to convince them to spend time on our blog.

"How does God make Bloggers, Mister?"

Excellent query, Mary. God creates bloggers in the same mold that He made CEO's of big tobacco in the fifties and sixties. The job of a blogger is to a) report and inform on a topic of our choosing and b) articulate on subjectswith extreme bias, at a level of our choosing. We convince you your need for us, is so strong, you don't feel comfortable with your body if you aren't reading us. All of us have successful blogs in our own minds, but no one remembers Hello Kitty Chewing Tobacco, do they?

"Mister, why is this A-Hole writing a Blog?"

Mary, you are quite a little bag-o-questions, aren't you? The quick answer is for fun. The long answer is derrived from a complicated logarithmic equation pitting will, wit, and wisdom against each other in the space-time continuum. I'll save that topic for a rainy day. And careful, I'm that A-hole.

*For those reading that have spent any time with me - Did you really think I'd let my first post go by without a BTTF reference?

"What's this blog all about anyway, D-Bag?"

Settle down Mary. Let's not get upset enough to run to your parents again. Seeing as how guys aren't readily able to access their feelings, motives, and weaknesses, I am going to use this forum as a way to keep in touch with my inner-most thoughts, things I am afraid of, daydreams, and my favorite colors. Or, I could keep those things bottled-up, deep in my heart, never mention them here (or anywhere) & reserve this space to talk about sports, politics, religion, movies, and make fun of people and things that deserve it, like douche bags, people being a temporary d-bag, or permanent D-Bag. I could go either way.

Actually, a man's feelings belong right next to the spot that makes you want to stop and ask for directions. Those are things or abilities you should forget exist. As well as crying. Guys shouldn't cry. In fact, there are only a couple times I think it's okay for a guy to cry.

1) At the birth of your child. I don't know this one first hand, but I hear it's a doozy.

2) On your wedding day. If happiness and excitement don't make you tear up that day, maybe you shouldn't be getting married.

3) The death of a close relative or friend. No room for sarcasm here.

4) Any point in the last twenty minutes of The Notebook. Again, if you didn't cry at your wedding, you may not understand this one either.

5) If you get kicked in the nuts hard enough or creatively enough to have made it on "America's Funniest Home Video's" back when it was hosted by Bob Saget. The event didn't have to have happened then, but the standards were set higher before the other dude took over. You know, the dude also from Full House that broke Alanis Morrisette's heart. Dave Coulier. That's it.

Cut.
It.
Out.

I'm looking forward to an eternity of sharing my thoughts and opinons, whether they are informed or not. I have lots of ideas I'd like to touch on and also have ideas about themes for specific days. I am excited about presenting days like Theological Thursdays where we can have an open debate about why your God is better than mine. Coincidentally, Douchebag Friday's will follow, so everyone who was offended will have a chance to start the day full of spite and ready to nominate someone special. I'll update when the words hit me.

Until then, and remember - It could have been worse. You could have rented a Steven Segal movie.