Oh, look. There's the little girl from the down the street. Hi there Mary. How are you?
"Hey, Mister...what's a Blogger?"
Bloggers are the new breed of columnist. Only Bloggers do not need to be employed by a newspaper, magaizine, or annual publication. They don't need a fan base, a readership, or even an audience, really. They are faceless opinions. Their voice is too important to keep inside anymore and anonymous chat rooms can only provide so much sense of accomplishment. Bloggers mainly are pretentious a-holes who want their voices heard over The Internet. Instead of a pesky little kid standing on a crate at a street corner wearing a cap saying things like "Extra! Extra!" trying to sell our newspaper, we send an email to eveyone we know to convince them to spend time on our blog.
"How does God make Bloggers, Mister?"
Excellent query, Mary. God creates bloggers in the same mold that He made CEO's of big tobacco in the fifties and sixties. The job of a blogger is to a) report and inform on a topic of our choosing and b) articulate on subjectswith extreme bias, at a level of our choosing. We convince you your need for us, is so strong, you don't feel comfortable with your body if you aren't reading us. All of us have successful blogs in our own minds, but no one remembers Hello Kitty Chewing Tobacco, do they?
"Mister, why is this A-Hole writing a Blog?"
Mary, you are quite a little bag-o-questions, aren't you? The quick answer is for fun. The long answer is derrived from a complicated logarithmic equation pitting will, wit, and wisdom against each other in the space-time continuum. I'll save that topic for a rainy day. And careful, I'm that A-hole.
*For those reading that have spent any time with me - Did you really think I'd let my first post go by without a BTTF reference?
"What's this blog all about anyway, D-Bag?"
Settle down Mary. Let's not get upset enough to run to your parents again. Seeing as how guys aren't readily able to access their feelings, motives, and weaknesses, I am going to use this forum as a way to keep in touch with my inner-most thoughts, things I am afraid of, daydreams, and my favorite colors. Or, I could keep those things bottled-up, deep in my heart, never mention them here (or anywhere) & reserve this space to talk about sports, politics, religion, movies, and make fun of people and things that deserve it, like douche bags, people being a temporary d-bag, or permanent D-Bag. I could go either way.
Actually, a man's feelings belong right next to the spot that makes you want to stop and ask for directions. Those are things or abilities you should forget exist. As well as crying. Guys shouldn't cry. In fact, there are only a couple times I think it's okay for a guy to cry.
1) At the birth of your child. I don't know this one first hand, but I hear it's a doozy.
2) On your wedding day. If happiness and excitement don't make you tear up that day, maybe you shouldn't be getting married.
3) The death of a close relative or friend. No room for sarcasm here.
4) Any point in the last twenty minutes of The Notebook. Again, if you didn't cry at your wedding, you may not understand this one either.
5) If you get kicked in the nuts hard enough or creatively enough to have made it on "America's Funniest Home Video's" back when it was hosted by Bob Saget. The event didn't have to have happened then, but the standards were set higher before the other dude took over. You know, the dude also from Full House that broke Alanis Morrisette's heart. Dave Coulier. That's it.
Cut.
It.
Out.
I'm looking forward to an eternity of sharing my thoughts and opinons, whether they are informed or not. I have lots of ideas I'd like to touch on and also have ideas about themes for specific days. I am excited about presenting days like Theological Thursdays where we can have an open debate about why your God is better than mine. Coincidentally, Douchebag Friday's will follow, so everyone who was offended will have a chance to start the day full of spite and ready to nominate someone special. I'll update when the words hit me.
Until then, and remember - It could have been worse. You could have rented a Steven Segal movie.
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2 comments:
So let the blogging begin...
Everyone's always had an opinion, but only since Al Gore created the Internet has everyone had the pulpit to preach their opinions without worry or fear that they'd have to physically stick up for themselves if need be. This comes in the forum of blog communities, chat rooms and comments such as these on various sites.
I particularly like to get a feel for how idiotic our society has become by frequently reading the latter. Whether it be a comment on a blogosphere, comments about an article written or people's reviews of movies, music and the like, it's a craptacilar shitfest of ignorance.
Now I am for people voicing their opinions, but it better be a good one and have some weight behind it. People will write that they saw the movie "Rambo" and it "suxs bigtime becuz who wants to see old Stallone in a movie that makesno sense and is senseless and way to violent i took my 3 year old son and had to leave becuz it was so violent and gross and horrible and made no sense and i do not recommend you see it unless you like this kind of bad movie". This person should get two separate kicks in the nuts. One for taking the 3 year old to see the movie in the first place, and one for being a world class retard.
People will write about the last episode of "American Idol" (and yes, I fucking watch it) stating, "I was so sad that Josia did not make it to the final 24. Simon is so mean. He does not know talent and is not even from America and why is he even allowed to judge a show called American Idol if he's not from the USA. USa. USA! He should be deported. LOL! :0)" I'd like to ask these type of folks a few questions to see just how American they really are. What was the 48th state? Who was the 13th President? When were women allowed the right to vote? Probably would go 0 for 3 on that one with about 84% of the population.
We could go on until March with this madness, but I think we all know the general feel we get from the Internet community out there. And it sickens the dickens out of me.
I only hope this fledgling blogspot of the Woodard here finds its way into the minds, hearts and souls of some hapless mongoloids out there. I will be ready and willing to make any response as necessary.
Not quite the Communist Manifesto that I was expecting, however I guess February is a short month. I tell you what Ginger Kid...you write your blog, if it makes you happy. I’ll even mail it for you.
It’s not Nancy Drew yet, but I’ll be keeping my eye on you. You keep popping out of forests scaring young ladies in your trench coat.
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